I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
me after drinking all the wine:
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Modded the new Gran Turismo
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
favorite tropes as memes
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*