Me: Super size it!
Pharmacist: No.
Doubling capacity by allowing aircraft take off from both ends of the runway didn’t go well. You learn something new every day in this job!
How do you tell the gender of an ant?
Put it in water.
If it sinks, girl ant.
If it floats…
old twitter is back baby
so cool that kids can now text you from school and ruin your day in real time
My daughter told me there is a small get together at school on Friday.
I asked her, “How small?”
She replied,
“Just you, me, and the principal.
So I was passing the bus stop today when I heard a young fella brag to this girl that he doesn’t do afraid. Just as I past them I quickly turned around to him and said Boo. It turns out he does do afraid. 😂😂😂😂
Had to do a parent phone call today. The parent asked me why I was calling them about their child’s behavioral issues. I-
☠️
Waking up has backfired on me so many times
love dating someone really offline because I can blatantly pass off various other people’s tweets as my own jokes
someone on TikTok accused me of stealing a stand up joke and when I asked them from who? they sent me a clip of someone doing the joke and that someone was me.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into first day of school: Everyone has Ebola.
Frustrated with my 23 y/o daughter I said, “God, give me patience” and she replied, “when you ask for patience, God doesn’t magically give it to you. He gives you opportunities, like this one, to become more patient” and now she’s grounded until she’s 40
HR: Please remember to log into the portal and update your goals!
Me: Ok. My only goal is to continue getting a paycheck.