Sigh, Another delivery driver ignored the instructions and walked straight into one of my boobytraps again
No I don’t want to read the article first I want to argue now
Drove by a woman with her car broken down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
[marriage counsellor looking at me after my wife is done speaking] why do you want to be on the masked singer so badly?
I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.
Dog people like dogs
Cat people like cats
Lizard people are lizards
please help me find just 1 of my 5,000 lighters
The echo in my house when it’s clean is unsettling. Better order more stuff.
Me: For the twelfth day of Christmas, I got…
My true love: IF IT’S ANOTHER BIRD, I’M GOING TO LOSE MY SHIT.
WB: We want you to play the Penguin.
Colin Farrell: OK.
WB: But you’ll have to wear a ton of uncomfortable prosthetics for long periods of time.
Farrell: Sure.*3 years later*
Farrell: I didn’t sign up for this.
My coworker just told me this funny joke.
A web developer and an SEO expert walk into a bar, bars, nightclub, pubs, tavern, beer, alcohol, drinks, alcoholic beverages, bars in my area, places to drink.
when i was a teenager my dad said “never feel guilty about not working, the rich dont feel guilty about it so why should you?” and it was a cool bit of parenting advice i think
We must all do our part for the planet. The other day I unplugged a row of electric cars nobody was using.