What to do when threatened by a bear:
1. Play dead.
2. No longer have to pretend.
When your boss says it’s not a two person job.
the best part about filling out doctor appointment forms online is when you get there and they say “hello please fill out these forms”
Matthew was born for this.
In-person meetings at the office are a wonderful way to help your developers take a break from being productive
Me, abandoning the call I’m making after two unanswered rings: “well, I tried my absolute best to reach them, not sure what more I could’ve done”
THIS IS A REAL BOOK R U SRS ???
“Did you hear there’s a Scottish pupil allowed to identify as wolf?”
‘Omg. Where?’
“No, just a normal wolf I think.”
It’s cool that christianity has different saints for different things, like St. Francis is the patron saint of animals and St. Ives is the patron saint presumably of apricot face scrub
Aw, crap. My airbnb has one of those cellars with a man locked in a cage who claims he’s just a normal man who was kidnapped but the property owner says he’s actually the devil in human disguise and if I let him out, his evil will end the world.
AND the wifi is spotty. Christ.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
⚰
Most intimate spam text i’ve ever received
