any last words?
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*