Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Investing in beetcoin
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
Guys, I found it.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own