The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
This is what makes twitter great
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.