My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af