Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Holy shit he’s back
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need