Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
