*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Holy shit he’s back
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]