BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
If you know, you know 😂🚔
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.