Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!