Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*