Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
the rocks need my help
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
guys I’m going home
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.