I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
Sponch
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer