Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Cool shirt 🙂
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
#NoRestForTheWicked
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
uncle dave has been through hell
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”