I love to see “pan-fried” on a menu. I hate food that’s fried in a shoe or a dolphin or something
Fitness influencer: If you dab your single pizza slice with a napkin, you can save on fat and calories.
Me: If you cut a pizza in half, it technically only counts as two slices.
I trust my car navigation the same way I do the floor arrows in Ikea and If we end up in a lake… so be it
nicknamed my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.
Brouhaha (noun): the feeling of joy upon discovering someone has made you a cup of tea.
When I get mad at my wife I don’t yell or stop doing chores or anything like that.
I log on to her YouTube channel and watch car repair and golf videos.
Fact: In the U.K., many Air Traffic Controllers don’t work in airports, but in buildings miles away. Whereas in France, most Air Traffic Controllers don’t work at all.
tad speechless. husband just woke me up from my football nap by holding a warm piece of pizza under my nose until the smell got me sniffing and twitching like a dog. “I can’t believe that worked”
My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they’re having fun. Your ducks probably hate you for making them line up like that.
It’s awesome when people honk at you for not moving when you’re letting people cross. You’re right bro I should just annihilate this family of four
I’m old enough to remember when rainbows were in black and white.
Bye, have a great day. I’ll see you after school, I tell the orange in my kid’s lunch
My wife bought me a hollowed out dictionary to use as a piggy bank. I never use it. I love spending money so much, I can’t put it into words.
ME: I took a bus tour of the the city today.
WIFE: Oh really. How did it go?
ME: The driver turned the ignition and pressed down on the gas.
HER: Get out.