I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
HERE’S MARKY
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
Me driving through Toronto
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.