Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
