judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
Happy thanksgiving
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
