if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
