It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Otters drive ottermobiles.