tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.