ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
A classic…
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
normalize having existential bread
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
Day 4. They suspect nothing.