i’m having this made into a welcome mat
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
This is my favorite one of these!
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣