I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
normalize having existential bread
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.