My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?