Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
i did the math
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
Nice try Hitler
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?