The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese