Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Barbie gone wild
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.