Hello Twits.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Ok who’s got my black socks?
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
If only
