her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂