“How is the job search going?” first of all, that is a violent question. And it hurts me, by the way. And second, how the hell should I know
It’s interesting that the emojis show the earth from three angles 🌎 🌍 🌏 but not the fourth.
Though 🔵 is a fair approximation of what it would look like.
People underestimate the Pacific.
Friend: Wanna go out tonight?
Me: You know the rule, man. I need to be notified at least 3 months in advance.
That’s amazing can I get a bud light please
there should be a crisis hotline to call for anyone who has witnessed me trying to eat a big leaf salad in public
found a horse’s reddit account
I’m a go getter.
I don’t let other people ruin my day.
I ruin my day my damn self
The first pyramid scheme was when the Egyptians took credit for the pyramids that were clearly built by dinosaurs.
Are you there, bankrupt business? It’s me, Spirit Halloween.
I open a fancy cigarette case and offer you a stick of beef jerky.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not having a midlife crisis you’re just awake.
whoops accidentally said I couldn’t make it before they even said the date