Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
💁🏻♂️
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo