me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10