Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself