Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
💁🏻♂️
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately