Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Lol.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
Kids, do not try this at home!
