Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
*praying for world peace*
God:
Swedish for common sense.
Hamburger Hinderer.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.