I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
☠️☠️☠️
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave