I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised