Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn