It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur