[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
The opposite of goth is stopth.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
he chose this
okay run it by me one more time
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.