Hell yes I am good at counterfeiting. How many $36 dollar bills do you want?
I guess I’ll never be able to walk away from an explosion in a cool way like they do in the movies, this morning my toast popped and I stopped dropped and rolled on my kitchen floor
I don’t know what I’d do if a pen leaked in my mouth. I dread tooth ink.
(watching the shower scene in Psycho) I’d kill for that water pressure
Me: [watching football]
Wife: [silently reading a book for three quarters of the game]
Announcer: That was a huge sack!
Wife: BAHAHAHA HUGE SACK
me: did you have fun on your playdate?
my 9yo: yes, but that was the wrong Logan. Next week can I have a playdate with the Logan who’s my friend?
why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast. It’s just an onion man why don’t you relax
Thanks for your email! Unfortunately, I have filled my pockets with stones and am making my way to the sea.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
My therapist told me that constantly fantasising about living off grid in a woodland cottage that doubles as a library that triples as an animal rescue centre, is actually a coping mechanism & a sign of exhaustion.
To which I say, well imaginary you is no longer invited
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
The next person to ring the doorbell on a Saturday trying to sell something will be subjected to my 6yo’s full lecture on lizards, and let me warn you, it’s long
