I need a stunt double for when I’m navigating my way to the bathroom at 2 am.
being in love will have you put your pride aside and go to places you never thought you would, like new jersey
what if nobody was president and we all promised really hard to just be good
Adding more corn and pumpkin to my diet this fall.
Why do people brag about how little sleep they get?
“Yeah I only get like 3 or 4 hours a night”
Cool man, I guess I’ll just… continue having a better life than yours
Husband: *gently taps me on the shoulder before l’ve had my first cup of coffee*
Me:
Huge if true.
Proctologist = Analyst
Me: *wearing a short-sleeved button down with mixed flowers and skulls*
Super old lady at the pharmacy: “You know it’s a SIN to make me covet my neighbor’s blouse!”
Just found some of Moo Deng’s old tweets and woof it’s not looking good
Long day at work, let me decompress by logging on and reading racist tweets by some guy named Wrath of Odysseus
My 9yo: the best teacher name at my school is Ms. Huggies.
Turns out her name is Ms. Hughes, but I’m gonna let that one ride for a while.