I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness