No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart