*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”