My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
honestly, i need both:
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs