Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I already tried new things thanks.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.