WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
kids play hide and seek like
meow
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
