If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton