Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
🔦🌙👣
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…